It’s a common observation when my friends visit for a day of gaming and eating junk food, that there is a sore lack of strong offline multiplayer games. Once upon a time we would settle down for a day of blasting the living hell out of each other on Call of Duty, before we reached the final conclusion that it was a horrible multiplayer game. The occasional foray was made into the world of fighting games, where I occasionally got a break in between smashing challengers on Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix to show off my beautiful characters from Soul Calibur IV. There’s nothing quite like virtually beating up a friend with a character designed to look just like Ronald McDonald, having gone mad and cracked out the gherkin slicers. Unfortunately, it seems that for the best multiplayer, we have to resort to PS2 titles, forever returning to the ilk of TimeSplitters or even Metal Slug.

    I can’t help but feel that game developers are moving further and further away from offline multiplayer, forsaking our regular gaming pilgrimages in favour of faceless online gatherings, where invariably one of us will forget to charge our microphone. First time I got this feeling was as a fairly new owner of a current gen console, when I found myself clutching a copy of Far Cry 2. My eyes lit up as I noticed the incredibly detailed mapmaker function. “This could be it”, I thought. “Something to fuel my status of the FPS Architect of Death outside of the TimeSplitters mapmaker. Something current gen, which can even be shared online! Wow!” 

      That is, until I realised there was no option for offline multiplayer, only an option to upload your painstakingly crafted to the faceless masses for silent online death matches with complete strangers. Nobody I knew played Far Cry 2 online, and for good reason; it was awful. But if  knew I could play that with my friends and from the same console I would have spent days crafting just one map. 

    First person shooters, or indeed all shooting games aren’t really the best example to use as split-screen can be a whole different experience, with it being difficult to focus only on your tiny box in whichever quarter of the screen you get assigned, though it’s offset by the opportunity to beat someone with a rolled up newspaper if you catch them camping, although it should still be a viable option. Take Uncharted 2, brilliant co-op mode but only available online. Split screen can work perfectly well with two people, Resident Evil 5 showed us that.

    What initiated this little piece of writing was purchasing Ninja Gaiden Sigma II. To discover that there is an offline co-op mode, but is restricted to an AI partner, just baffled me (and infuriated me) beyond belief. What they basically mean is that there is no offline co-op, but we like to make you think that there is. It’s like giving one person a gift, then punching their mate on the nose and replacing them with a robot. Doesn’t make any sense. Sadly, none of my friends own the game (a factor that is usually rendered irrelevant by offline modes) so I look forward to having to run through the game's most difficult challenges with an inept AI partner. Call me cynical but I can't help but wonder if keeping things online only (so two copies are required for friends to join up) is a poor way of trying to get people to buy the game.

Unfortunately, gaming seems to be moving away from offline gatherings, and even co-op in general. There’s only so many FPS competitive multiplayer modes that a gamer can take before he gets bored, outside the sort of angry, sweary, sugar fuelled 14 year olds you meet online calling everybody a ‘faggot’ and bragging as much as possible. (Predominant habitat is the Halo 3 servers). Co-op is always a good thing but it would be nice to see something outside of a shooter for once, instead of having to rely on archaic titles like Baldur’s Gate II. Playing online will never be quite the same experience as playing in the same room as your friends, and it’s about time that developers wake up and stop neglecting that fact.

Alright, Treyarch. Ya done goofed this time. I’m not sure what you were trying to showcase with this trailer, but I don’t think it worked. You showcased a game that looks virtually indistinguishable from any modern war-flavored FPS. Like, literally indistinguishable. I watched the trailer thinking it was Battlefield Bad Company 2 again. Then I found out it was the new COD game, and I said to myself “Wow, that was literally the most uninspired thing I’ve ever seen. That was just a dude spraying bullets at other dudes who were paid to pretend they didn’t see his ass barreling straight at them.” Sad.

Treyarch, I understand it’s hard to innovate. I write funny for the internet every day, and it’s a challenge to keep things fresh and interesting. But at least I’m trying. You guys…not so much.

What part of that video was “black ops” exactly? Aren’t they like super-stealthy grizzled old ninja-men with silenced guns? What the fuck blackops agent is charging around a warzone with a sawed-off shotgun?

When Bungie or whoever did ODST, they changed the gameplay so it reflected the fact that you were no longer a supersoldier with tons of armor and shields. You were a (slightly) above-average grunt. There were others like you. You were not the invincible Spartan. You were human. You were vulnerable. If you wanted to live, you had to use shadows and cover efficiently, and conserve ammunition. With a new game came new styles of play.

You might try to rip them off instead.

Last night, Ustream was kind enough to get us the live feed for…something. I’m not actually sure if the event had a title or not. Regardless, there were fighting games being played, and we enjoyed them thanks to the kindness of whoever runs that deal. Thank you, whoever you are!

Yours truly tried to snag an interview with someone who apparently got an invite to play at some big event by NamcoBandai, a company that I’m fairly sure has made a few fighting games. But he asked me who it was for, and upon hearing my answer, decided it was beneath him, and promptly ignored my request and all my interactions in general.

First of all, fuck that guy. Fuck him. The world doesn’t need high-and-mighty assholes like him. We need champions who are courteous and gracious, not douchenozzles like you, bub. I swear, if I ever find out who he is (Mark Something?) there’s gonna be hell to pay.

Anyway, while the matches were good, EVO spoiled me somewhat. I went into the stream expecting EVO quality, and when I didn’t get it I was sorta bummed. The matches were good, but I was kinda bored.

Apparently JAMES CHEN was there. I guess that was a big deal?